But I have to say one thing has been really disappointing about this birthday.  I thought I’d be right in the middle of my Calling by now. I thought I’d know precisely what I was meant to be doing and would be doing it with ease and confidence.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m less sure of things than I have ever been.

I thought I knew something about how to lead people toward truth and grace and life and peace.  I thought I knew how make a difference for good.  I thought I’d studied and thought and prayed carefully enough about how to build a marriage and a family and a church.  I thought I’d done enough of the right things that life couldn’t help but turn out well for us.  I thought God’s obvious gifts and blessings around us were evidence that we were doing precisely what He meant for us to do.

I thought I wouldn’t regret my choices, my sacrifices, friends I’d lost contact with because of other (higher—so I thought at the time) priorities.  I was wrong.  The time of certainty had ended.  My life today is utterly unrecognizable to the me of five years ago.  I want to believe that is a good thing.  I want to believe it is all working together for good.  But the truth is I’m not sure of much anymore.

In my mind’s eye, I see a pile of ashes in my palm.  A strong wind swirls it away until every speck is gone.  All that is left is my bare palm.  Does it mean nothingness? A fresh start?  I want to believe the latter.

The best thing about all the pain and loss is that it has brought me a fresh and much needed humility.  I look back on the old me and see lots of qualities and choices I don’t regret.  I cared for people.  I sacrificed for them and tried to love them well.  I tried to model strength and grace and stewardship.  So did Kyle.  So did Torey.  And I don’t believe we failed utterly though I see we were much shorter of the mark than I believed then.

But here’s what else I see.  I am ashamed that I had become smug about my spirituality.  I believed I knew the truth and was willing to obey it.  I harbored a subtle inward derision toward those who were misguided about the ‘right’ way to do church, who wouldn’t let go of sinful habits, who couldn’t make their marriages or families work.  Those sorts of people hadn’t tried hard enough, hadn’t studied enough, didn’t love God enough.

I am so sorry.  God, forgive me and heal hurts that inner attitude and its manifestation caused.  And if you were someone who was hurt by it, I hope you’ll give me a chance to say I am sorry in person.  At the time, I was surrounded by others leaders; some of whom exhibited a pride that was more open and articulate than mine—this isn’t gossip; they have said so themselves.  It made me sad and angry for them and for the church.  But I truly didn’t see the same sort of seeds in my own heart.  I didn’t see how simplistic my thinking had become, how my definition of grace and truth and goodness had narrowed according to terms I and others had created.  As excruciating as the past few years have been, at least I’m starting to see it now.  And I think I can say it’s worth it.  At least I can today.

“He leads the humble in justice,
And teaches the humble His way.
All the paths of the LORD are lovingkindness and truth
To those who keep His covenant and His testimonies.
For Your name’s sake, O LORD,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.”

Psalm 25:9-11

This is a terrible photo. It is grainy and blurry and I look pretty goofy. But I am climbing--none too happily as you can see by my expression--to an unknown summit. I think it is a perfect illustration for where God has me as I begin my 4th decade. Here's praying I don't tumble back down and break something.

“If our religion is something objective, then we must never avert our eyes from those elements in it which seem puzzling or repellent; for it will be precisely the puzzling or the repellent which conceals what we do not yet know and need to know” (p. 34)

“To please God…to be a real ingredient in the divine happiness..to be loved by God, not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son–it seems impossible, a weight or burn of glory which our thoughts can barely sustain.  But so it is” (p. 39)

“For if we take the imagery of Scripture seriously, if we believe that God will one day give us the Morning Star and cause us to put on the spendour of the sun, then we may surmise that both the ancient myths and the modern poetry, so false as history, may be very near the truth as prophecy” (p. 43)

“There are no ordinary people.  You have never talked to a mere mortal” (p. 46)

“If we thought we were building up a heaven on earth, if we looked for something that would turn the present world from a place of pilgrimage into a permanent city satisfying the soul of the man, we are disillusioned, and not a moment too soon” (p. 63)

“People are constantly claiming this unarguable and unanswerable status for moral judgments which are not really intuitions at all but remote consequences  or particular applications of them, eminently open to discussion since the consequences may be illogically drawn or application falsely made…The man who “just feels”" that total abstinence from drink or marriage is obligatory is to be treated like the man who “just feels sure” that Henry VII is not by Shakespeare or that vaccination does no good” (p. 69-71)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jenny and I got a chance to see St. Vincent on Monday.  The girl had definitely earned a night out after a grueling weekend with a sleepless teething baby and I was happy to tag along.  What can I say? I’m a great friend.

The W was a logical choice for pre-show snacking since it’s next door to ACL.  Capitalism working for the people is what that is.  Here’s the thing about the W:  It’s a little too swank and formal for Austin.  It seems like a place that would be more at home in Houston or Dallas than Austin.  I’ve got to be honest; I was really annoyed when construction began a few years ago.  I didn’t want to like it but I just can’t help myself.  The décor and design is so smart and well done.  The cocktails are incredible.  And I haven’t had anything to eat there that didn’t make me want to basically write a poem about it.  I love the W in spite of myself.

We decided on the album room because there were two majorly comfy chairs in the corner and the wall of vinyl seemed the perfect vibe for the music we were about to enjoy.  We promptly ordered the fries (obviously).  They are truffle oil and salt covered perfection.  The texture is just what I want in a French fry.  Not too thick and not too thin and crisp without making you feel like you’re going to chip your teeth.  They have a little bit of potato skin left on for texture and are finished with a hint of minced fresh herbs for color.

The fries come with two sauces.  One is a spicy barbeque sauce.  It has a sweet and subtle spicy flavor with a smoky undertone.  The other is a creamy chipotle aioli that has a similar subtle spice and smoky flavor without the tomato base of the other sauce.  Both were delicious on their own but I have to say they just didn’t match the flavor of the fries.  We were wishing we had the calamata olive aioli that Nordstrom serves with their fries.  (We’ll be talking about those fries soon, don’t worry.)

I know what you’re thinking and you’re right.  Those fries are a bit rich.  That’s why we paired them with the pulled pork tostados and a couple of cocktails.  After an hour or so of catching up without dogs, kids, or husbands, Jenny was looking like a new woman.  Great start to a great night!  I highly recommend the W for a date night or girl’s night out.  Either way, don’t forget to order the fries.  Public service announcement: This place is pricy and you’ll probably have to pay for parking even if you don’t use their valet service so you won’t want to make this a weekly stop off.  Which is probably a good thing for your health.

So what are your favorite Austin fries?

fries @ the W

st. vincent @ acl live

One thing is for sure—I surely don’t deserve all the people in my life who love me so well.  But I am awfully thankful for them.

On the one-year anniversary of the fire that burned our home and turned our lives upside down, I was presented with a hope chest full of love, prayers, and small gifts.  I love that Torey, as she was working and praying and sweating it up at Aggieland’s Impact, was covered with a similar flood of notes and prayers.

Here is just a taste of what I was given.

One woman actually gave me her grandmother’s brooch.  She said I reminded her of her grandmother—how she was full of strength and faith and loved getting fancy.  I’ve given it some thought and I truly can’t think of nicer compliment.  For now, the brooch graces a white straw hat.  I can’t wait to wear it on blazers and knit berets in the fall.

Another gave me a real live message in a bottle.  A message that has, so far, gone unread because, let me tell you, it’s harder than you’d think to get the paper back out!!  I have tried using my fingers, tweezers, and chop sticks all to no avail.  Kyle has tried.  I’m hoping someone reading this is a lot smarter than me and can tell me how to get it out.  Otherwise, a hammer is in that bottle’s future.

Someone else gave me a beautiful bracelet adorned with a swallow to remind me that if God takes care of every tiny swallow, He will surely take care of my family and me, too.

My mom gave me the crown from my first ballet costume.  I assure you I was the least graceful ballerina on that stage but I loved my gold and white costume with the tiny gold crown for our buns.  It seemed so magical.  And my mom saved it all these years because she never throws anything away ever.  She gave it back to me to remind me that I’m the daughter of a King and that I’m loved and that she thinks I’m lovely.  All of which makes me laugh and cry again at the thought.

And these are only a few of the words I won’t forget and the reminders of grace that now fill nooks and crannies around the apartment.  Thanks for walking with me, everyone.  Thanks for showing me what faithful friendship looks like.  I hope I have lots of chances to return what I’ve been given.

But this Saturday–one year to the day after a three alarm fire burned down our home–we want to pause and remember what happened.  We want to celebrate that God didn’t allow any person (including the many wonderful firefighters who were working in temperatures well over 100 degrees to put out the fire) to be hurt.  We want to call God our Savior and Redeemer and the Lover of our Souls.  We want to say we trust His goodness and that, with His power, we take authority over the evil one who has pulled out the stops to steal, kill, and destroy our family.

On the morning of August 13th, we are going to Oliver Circle and the home that is in the process of being reconstructed.  We are going to pray and have communion.  And, like I said in my previous post, we would sure love it if you would pray for us, too.  Anytime is great but we’d especially appreciate your intercession on Saturday.  If you don’t mind, leave me a comment so we can celebrate all our friends who are joining us in seeking God.

Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations.
Before the mountains were born
Or You gave birth to the earth and the world,
Even from everlasting to everlasting, You are God.

Do return, O LORD; how long will it be?
And be sorry for Your servants.
O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness,
That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad according to the days You have afflicted us,
And the years we have seen evil.
Let Your work appear to Your servants
And Your majesty to their children.
Psalm 90:1-2; 13-16

But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!”
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.”
Isaiah 43:1-2

http://terramcdaniel.wordpress.com/2010/08/19/beauty-for-ashes/

http://terramcdaniel.wordpress.com/2010/08/20/beauty-for-ashes-part-2/

http://terramcdaniel.wordpress.com/2010/08/27/beauty-for-ashes-part-3/

Quilt made with love by Amber Littler and the rest of the Soulspring gang--it was enjoyed for many years as it hung in our entry hall.

My sweet baby girl seeing what was her room. Notice the sky above her head where the ceiling used to be. That's a happy birthday sign I made for her 20th birthday that she'd kept hanging on her door.

Kyle's Senior Boots From TAMU

Anyhow, as the first anniversary of the fire approaches (it’s next week) and as we have just had to face the heart-breaking decision to delay (maybe forever) our long awaited adoption, God is reminding me of a few things many tears later.  First, I’m not imagining this Job season–I mean, ‘stage.’  It has been excruciating to have every part of my life dumped out and mixed up and restarted.  And two, while I see more clearly than ever that there is an enemy who wants to utterly destroy me and my family, I see God not leaving.  He isn’t delivering yet but He is here.  And for now, that’s enough.

“Many times they have persecuted me from my youth up,”
Let Israel now say,
“Many time they have persecuted me from my youth up;
Yet they have not prevailed against me.
“The plowers plowed upon my back;
They lengthened their furrows.”
The LORD is righteous:
He has cut in two the cords of the wicked.
Psalm 129:1-4

…we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed…
II Corinthians 4:8-9

So, yeah, God is good.  But that doesn’t mean we aren’t ready for a new stage of life to begin.  Will you pray that it will?

A storm of criticism and debate rightly followed.  Mark has since expressed regret (http://theresurgence.com/2011/07/13/the-issue-under-a-lot-of-issues) and removed the question from his facebook page.  I’m glad he did but it seems to me that the damage is done.  And it highlights the ugly place we’ve come to in the postmodern Christian church.  So much seems to be about posturing and being tough and distancing from anything that can be even remotely accused of being pro-gay or feminist or otherwise out of bounds.  And I’m sick of it.

I am glad that Mr. Driscoll’s elders challenged both the tone and inappropriate context for his question.  I applaud him for being open to their leadership and direction.  But what I just can’t understand is why he needed to be told these things. Just because someone would laugh at it doesn’t make it ok to say.  And Bible teachers with his brusque style seem to be multiplying these days.  What is going on?

Don’t get me wrong; I understand that we who profess the name of Jesus need to set ourselves apart from a lot of mainstream culture that celebrates things He would abhor.  But bullying and fear mongering aren’t the way to do that.  Isn’t it the kindness of God that leads all of who profess the name of Jesus to repentance?  Do we really think it’ll be any different for those who either (a) don’t know Him or (b) know Him but aren’t fully walking in His ways in some area, masculinity or otherwise?  And hidden in all this is the insidious presumption that we are the ones who really ‘get’ the gospel and are walking it out with the most precision.

I agree that Jesus wasn’t sickly or weak or passive.  No one was tempted to call Him effeminate.  He overturned a table or two and threw some coins around when the situation called for it.  Whatever emotion He felt—anger, sadness, compassion, or love—He was never afraid to express it.  And He had no problem with calling people out in ways that offended and embarrassed them when they were in the wrong (white washed tombs anyone?).  He wasn’t opposed to using irony when He did so but He never crudely mocked or shamed people.  And His Word and example make it pretty clear that He’s opposed to the practice.

So, here’s my humble call:  If you’re a believer (pastor, leader, or otherwise) who wants to speak into and connect with the world outside your church—as I very much believe you should—please stop acting like a FOX or CNN news commentator and say your peace kindly.  If you can’t remember Scripture then at least remember the wisdom of Thumper, ‘If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.’  (I know, I know; I just used a Bambi quote.  So shoot me.  Get it? Shoot me?!).

But there’s a deeper issue here than bad manners.  Mr. Driscoll’s perspective of masculinity and femininity exposes an area of confusion and uncertainty in the Christian community.  See, even though the Bible called women co-heirs of the grace of life a good two thousand years before Gloria Steinem or Betty Friedan, the truth is that we’re still figuring out what that means in the family of God.  There are thorny issues at hand.  On the surface, Paul seems contradictory on the subject at times.  And faithful, well-intentioned people who have studied the texts sometimes disagree about their meaning, application, or both.

But here’s what I know.  God created humanity male and female.  In fact, His image is found in all people regardless of their ethnicity, sexuality, and or even their religion.  Even rapists and murderers and those who curse His name can’t scrub His image away fully; He’s in their DNA.  And I know that men and women were created to reveal slightly different aspects of His image, like two sides of the same coin.  So, should we resist androgyny and the current pressure for men to be more feminine and women to be more masculine?  Definitely.  But can’t we do it with grace and compassion rather than bluster and bravado?  To do otherwise makes Christians appear like they are either insensitive jerks or have something to hide or both.

The fact is that women are celebrated for a lot more than bearing children in the Bible.  That doesn’t make men any less valuable to humanity or in the Kingdom of God.  And the fact that Jesus took the form of a human male rather than a female doesn’t make women less worthy than men.  Jesus was born of a virgin woman, just as Genesis said he would be.  Men couldn’t be men without women.  Women couldn’t be women without men.  My advice?  Settle down and embrace who you are.  Keep searching.  Don’t be afraid to challenge the status quo about gender roles (both inside and outside the church) when necessary.  Keep seeking what it means to be men and women who follow Jesus in the twenty-first century.  Just be nice about it for goodness sake.  Trust me, I’m not talking about peace at any cost or vacuous pleasantry.  I’m talking about the fruit of the Spirit.  I’m talking about searching for the truth and speaking it with love and grace when we find it.  Doesn’t that sound refreshing?

“…speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ…” (Ephesians 4:15)

“Grace, mercy and peace will be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.” (2 John 3)

And, finally, a favorite passage of mine,

“Mercy and truth have met together;
Righteousness and peace have kissed.
Truth shall spring out of the earth,
And righteousness shall look down from heaven” (Psalm 85:10-11)

Want to read more perspectives?  [Disclaimer: I’m not advocating or endorsing these; simply passing on a few articles I found intriguing.]

http://bmwooddell.wordpress.com/2011/07/09/a-letter-to-mark-driscoll/

http://donmilleris.com/2011/07/14/a-man-among-men/

http://www.jesusneedsnewpr.net/dear-mr-driscoll-a-guest-post/

http://reverendjohn.blogspot.com/2011/07/letter-to-pastor-mark.html

Today, as you’ll see, is cheating a bit.  But I have a few things I’m working on and excited to share–some serious (gender bashing) and some not so much (drama at gourdough’s).  But all that for another day.  Today, what’s important is that a friend (susan perales) reposted a link to a great blog entry on being an introvert.  It’s by Adam Young of Owl City.  Full disclosure: I don’t really know his music.  I’ve heard Fireflies, of course, but beyond that, I don’t know much.  But he seems a great guy and his blog (especially the following entry on introverts) is funny and insightful.  If you are an introvert, know an introvert, want to become an introvert, this entry is for you.  And if you know me, you know that it is for me.  Enjoy!

Owl City-”10 Myths About Introverts”

PS I love people!  I really do.

new desk

old desk

In case you’re wondering, I’m pretty sure the light shining above the new desk are the angels joining me in rejoicing.  I’m ready to get going on what’s next with my shiny new desk.  In the next few weeks, I’ll start telling you about my next projects but for now just let me say I am really excited about them!

P.S. More Than Ordinary is being released in a few short weeks and is available for pre-order now.  It is available on Amazon at your local Barnes & Noble.  Check it out!