The letter to Kyle from my last post was sweet and true and moving and just a tiny bit tinged with pie-in-the-sky idealism, don’t you think? In the years since I wrote it, I have been trying to figure out how in the world to love Kyle with grace and tell him the truth and make him better. All of which are my job as his wife.
The upheavals and raw trials of the past years have shown me the degree to which I am (we are) lost without my Father holding my hand every step of the way. They’ve cured me of any misplaced confidence in my own strength or faithfulness. And they have just been really stinking hard for Kyle, for Torey, for me. Which, not surprisingly, has made this a tough season for our marriage.
O love the LORD, all you His godly ones!
The LORD preserves the faithful
And fully recompenses the proud doer.
Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the Lord.
It came out of nowhere. At a time when I felt most confident in who God made me to be and my world—for the first time feeling I belonged—is exactly when it all began to unravel. Our enemy usually attacks areas of weakness. It feels as though he successfully waged a battle in an area that had been a weakness and even a deep wound yet had become a place of healing and of strength. Was he working to keep us from continuing to grow stronger in a way that would make us less vulnerable to his accusation and condemnation? Or were we simply not as strong in the Lord as we thought we were? I truly don’t know the answer. And I don’t know the answer to the more difficult question of why God allowed it all.
I have questioned everything and sensed danger to my marriage and family that I would have never believed possible. I have felt surrounded by darkness and despair. I have wanted to give up. I did in some ways. What happened? Why now? Was it God waking me up from naiveté and foolishness; growing me up a little more? Was it the fact that it is really heard to raise a teenager? Was the enemy trying to take Kyle and me out of the battle? I think that the answer to all these may be ‘yes.’
And, now, as a new morning dawns, I remember that You are near to the broken-hearted and that Your eye is on those who honor You as holy and those who hope. Here’s to hope that does not disappoint…
Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for His lovingkindness,
To deliver their soul from death…
Let Your lovingkindness, O LORD, be upon us,
According as we have hoped in You.
But the word is very near you in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it. See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity…I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants…
(Deuteronomy 30: 14-15, 19)