Well, this is embarrassing. And frustrating. And makes me wonder if I should go Luddite and move to the country, buy a generator, dig a well, and only eat what I grow or kill (in other words become a vegetarian).
Here’s what happened. When I listen to satellite radio, I’m always careful to check the various 80s channels like anyone who graduated high school between 1980 and 1990. Why? As Weezer noted in Steel Magnolias, “I don’t make the rules.” (By the way if you need to know and don’t, they’re 8, 22, & 23. Do your duty.) Lately, I kept randomly coming across old school Duran Duran. And it made me happy and reminded me of the best parts of middle school. Then I saw a documentary about the band on Netflix in the ‘local favorites for Austin’ section. I watched it and it was awesome.
So, I did the only thing I could do. I got on iTunes and bought their greatest hits. Thinking of Duran Duran naturally made me think of Hall & Oates. So I bought their greatest hits, too. And I listened and danced as I cleaned house and paid bills and did laundry and sang along in the car between errands. And I was happy.
I realized that pretty much every song Hall & Oates recorded in the 80s is about innocent men being pursued against their will by sexually aggressive women. How did I miss that? How did my friends and I put up with all that anti-feminist and misogynistic nonsense? But it’s mellow and catchy and you don’t realize you’re singing about ‘maneaters’ and ‘family men’ who find a way to blame the women they’re flirting with for their desire to cheat until it’s too late. Then you gaze at the traffic light and wonder what the world is coming to.
And then the worst part happened. I came across something online about Duran Duran’s current reunion tour. And I realized that I’d totally been had by marketers and across multiple platforms to boot. There was not a single random thing about their songs getting played recently. Or their documentary suddenly becoming a favorite in Austin. And then I started thinking about 1984 and grocery store loyalty cards and the coupons I get at Target that are tailored to my purchasing patterns. Then I played “Rio” and “The Reflex” again and felt better.
But if Hall & Oates go on tour, I’m totally moving to the country.